Getting back to it

So, I have my first week of teaching out of the way. I can't say that is it exactly good to be back, but it is nice to set the pack down for a little while. I was reading some of the other blogs and emails that others have sent out post vacation. Many of them said that they are glad to be home and it feels good to get back to their respective nooks in China. I don't and have never felt this way about China.

China doesn't make me feel good. Don't get me wrong, I am actually happy that I have had this experience, and I don't regret it for a single moment, but I can honestly say that I don't really like the person that China turns me into (note: I have not used, "has turned me into" as I fully expect my Chinese funky state to be completely reversible). It's not culture shock, but something different, more deeply rooted and undefined.

I honestly feel really bad about some of the feelings I have about this place. I feel bad that I don't smile and coo over the Chinese babies. Instead, the first thought that pops through my head is more like, "Christ, another one of these people?" My tolerance is basically shot to shit. I really don't care about your "face" or mine for that matter and I really won't go to great lengths to preserve either. I am just to the point where I just don't care. That worries me. I have made attempts to care, but I was just kidding myself. I mean, I was forcing myself to care, thus, I knew I was pretending to care and therefore I was fully aware of this truly manufactured "caring" act that just emphasized even more that this was fake, and an untrue emotion. Ugh.

I just feel pretty hollowed out slowly being filled with tar and bile. After I got elbowed in the face at the train station, again, I just about lost it. After we tried to load our bags on the bus, only to have a dozen Chinese people shove their way in and push us out of the way I kind of did. It's ugly. I feel really weighted down.