The Red-Headed Step Child

I don't know what happened today. I just woke up really not liking China. Yes, there were some things that happened during the week that weren't the best, but they really didn't feed into why I was filled with angst today.

So, my first week of teaching my full schedule is done and I am glad. The two hour blocks are difficult and I don't really like teaching in those long blocks of time. Yan Qing was...well, hopefully that will get better. I also had my special, short term class with the business professionals this week. Next week will be the last of those classes. Those classes are generally pretty fun and the adults are pretty good sports about them. I also got to me my sophomore classes on Thursday. I will be teaching 2 sections of English for Management Majors. Their English level is pretty high from what I can tell.

When I entered both of the classes, the students thought that I was a student. One of the students even told me that I should not close the door as the teacher was not there yet and would not be able to get into the classroom. When I told him that I was the teacher, I got quite a sound of shock from him. I don't know how these classes will go. They seem like nice enough kids. What I don't like is that they ask me to have the white teachers come and teach them. Yeah. A bit of a blow to the ego. Sometimes I feel that I have to work twice as hard to prove my value as a foreign teacher, to make up for the fact that I am not white. It is just frustrating.

Other than that, I am really not motivated to teach yet. I don't know if it is because of the attitude towards my ethnicity and lack of exotic appeal or just apathy. I just know that I am really dreading boarding that bus on Monday for Yan Qing. I'm just not feeling IT yet.

Beijing is fine. Big, dirty and polluted. But I have access to Mexican food. Did have some good, blue sky days though. To be honest, I just haven't felt like doing a whole heck of a lot lately. Pretty unmotivated right now.

The other day, I was walking home from class, alone. It dawned on me that I was alone. Alone. I didn't have 15 - 11 year olds tagging along chatting away. I didn't give out any hugs or exchange smiles. Didn't have someone dancing and singing just to make all of us laugh. No laughing. No smiling. Just walking. Walking. I miss my kids.

I know that I had some really bad days in Guyuan. No, really, really, really bad days. But, the vast majority of my kids were a delight. I'm really glad that I was able to get to know some of them and spend time with them. It was really special to me. I don't know what it will be like here for me and I'm sure it will get better. But, what I did notice was how much I missed the warmth and spirit of my little kids while walking home and how meaningful that time spent just walking home together was to me. Especially now as I walk alone.